Thanksgiving is one of the few times many families are all in one room. It can also be a good time to start a conversation most people put off: what happens if something happens to you.
You don’t have to read your will aloud at the dinner table. But a few clear conversations with the right people can make your estate easier to manage, reduce the chance of conflict and give the people you love some certainty.
Why the conversation matters
A will only works well if the people named in it can act on it. Many estate problems start with things nobody knew:
- The executor didn’t know they had been named, or didn’t want the job.
- No one could find the original will.
- A family member felt blindsided by a decision they didn’t understand.
- Nobody knew what the person wanted for their care if they became unable to decide for themselves.
A short conversation now can prevent each of these.
Who needs to know what
Not everyone needs the same information. It helps to think about it by role.
Your estate trustee (executor). This person carries out your will, so choosing the right estate trustee matters. Ask them before you name them, and name an alternate in case they can’t act. If you’re thinking of naming two people to act together, consider the pros and cons of joint executors first. They should know that they have been named, where your original will is kept, and who your lawyer is. A general picture of your assets and accounts is helpful too.
Your attorneys under your powers of attorney. In Ontario, a continuing power of attorney for property and a power of attorney for personal care let people you choose act for you if you can’t. Your attorney for personal care should understand your wishes on health care, housing and end-of-life decisions. Your attorney for property should know where your financial records are.
Your beneficiaries. You don’t have to tell beneficiaries what they will receive. Some people prefer to keep amounts private, and that is your choice. But if your plan contains something unexpected, such as unequal shares, a gift to a charity, a trust for one child or a family property left to one person, explaining your reasons can reduce hurt feelings and disputes later.
A guardian for your children. If you have minor children and you’re naming a guardian in your will, speak with that person first. Being a guardian is a major commitment, and they should agree to it.
What you can keep private
Your will is a private document while you’re alive. No one has a legal right to see it before your death, including your children. You can share as much or as little as you like.
After death, the situation changes. If your estate trustee applies to the court for a Certificate of Appointment of Estate Trustee (often called probate), your will becomes part of the court record. That’s one reason some families discuss planning choices while everyone can still ask questions.
Where to keep your original will
Your estate trustee usually needs the original signed will, not a copy. Ontario has no government will registry, so it matters that someone knows where to look. Common options are keeping it with your lawyer or in a secure place at home that your estate trustee knows about. Tell your estate trustee where it is, and keep that information current.
A letter of wishes can help
Some people write a separate, informal note to go alongside their will. It might explain the reasoning behind decisions, share wishes about personal items, or give guidance about pets, funeral preferences or family keepsakes. A letter of wishes is generally not legally binding, but it can help your estate trustee understand what you wanted. Speak with your lawyer about how it should fit with your will so the two don’t conflict.
Tips for starting the conversation
- Pick a calm moment. A quiet coffee often works better than a crowded holiday table.
- Start with why. “I want to make things easier for you” lands better than a list of assets.
- Talk to the key people separately first. Your estate trustee and attorneys may need more detail than the wider family.
- Keep it short. One conversation doesn’t need to cover everything.
- Write down what you agree. Then make sure your will and powers of attorney actually reflect it.
If you’re the adult child
It can feel awkward to raise estate planning with a parent. Framing it around their wishes, not their assets, usually helps: “If you ever needed help, who would you want to make decisions for you?” It is also a good moment to ask whether their will and powers of attorney are up to date, especially after a move, a death in the family or a new marriage.
When the conversation shows your plan needs updating
Talking it through often reveals gaps. A named executor may have moved away, a guardian may no longer fit your family, or your wishes may simply have changed. Life events such as marriage, separation, divorce, a new child or grandchild, or buying or selling a home are all reasons to review your plan.
Frequently asked questions
No. Your will is private during your lifetime. It is usually wise to tell your estate trustee that they have been named and where the original is kept.
Not unless you choose to show them. No one has a legal right to see your will while you are alive.
You don’t have to, but explaining your reasons, in person or in a letter of wishes, can reduce the chance of a dispute later.
Many people keep it with their lawyer or somewhere secure that their estate trustee knows about. The key is that your estate trustee can find it.
That they have been named, where the original will is, who your lawyer is and where your financial records are kept.
Start with a plan you’re confident in
A good family conversation starts with a will and powers of attorney that reflect your current wishes. If yours are out of date, or you don’t have them yet, our estate planning team can help. Book an estate planning consultation.
Further reading
- A Guide to Estate Planning in Ontario
- Updating Your Will After Major Life Changes
- Next in the Beyond the Will series: Your Will Doesn’t Control Everything
